what is it

life's been tough lately..  I don't even know who I am .. and what i am.. any more
every minute i breathe.. I can feel the pain. I don't know how to describe this pain any more..  my heart aches... it really aches.. physically and emotionally.can't sleep at night.. never ending chaos in the mind.. ..i so wanted to scream at night while I lying in bed.. cannot fell asleep...  i so wanted to go to a doctor... my family doctor..to see if i have a heart problem? or maybe a psychiatrist to see if i have a mental problem? 

last night when i left AFC.. i didn't know where i wanted to go.. but i just really want to leave ... i felt so out of place... in fact, i could not find myself belong to anywhere any more.. i arrived home and stayed in the car.. just thinking and sometimes talking to myself.. while tears coming out of my eyes... I am really scared... who this is... is God making a joke out of me? I just feel like such a joke.. I need somebody to talk to.. I need somebody to talk to.. .. people are probably busy...is there anybody I can talk to?.. is there anybody who would understand me?  is there anybody who cares? ... .... I called ... and no body answered  .. I called.. again ... nobody answered... ... after some time.. I called Sylvia.. when I was about to say something i heard that she's still out... yea..  this is for what?  maybe i just shouldn't find anybody..  i should just talk to God..  and what was He going to tell me? ... just so much noise.. ..    after an hour and half... i decided to wipe off my tears and go inside..

when i tried to open my laptop.. i logged in. it stopped running right away.. i tried several times.. the same.  it's dead.  yea.. it's dead.. but i didn't feel anything about this.. it's dead.. then it's dead.. what can i do about it? maybe it's a good thing.. i don't need to check emails.. send emails.. reply to msgs..  etc etc etc..   no more ups and downs.. cuz by all the communication.. maybe that way.. i would find some peace...  ?

my mind my head is going to explode in any minute..  my heart.. is going to clot.. and i may just lose my heartbeat...

i am running away from people... i am afraid of eye contact... i can't pretend any more...too tired ...to do it any more.. i just want to quit everything.... even if you say i am irresponsible.. even i know i would be irresponsible and i really don't want to be a irresponsible person... so i have sucked this all up... telling myself.. suck it up.. you can't do it? God can.. so .. suck it up. you will see the light?  God is right by you side? ...  etc etc... etc... .....  ho faan.. i just want to shut my mind... completely shut down my mind... no more noise... no more thoughts...

...

 i am scared........

should go home now? ...