Something ...Someone s

Before my family moved.. we had been living together in a country-style, 4-storey "apartment" building.  Dad, Mom, Bro and myself lived on the third floor. Grandpa and Grandma lived on the second floor.  Grandma always made lunch for me and brother.. ever since I had my memories (probably before then too.. ) As me and my brother grew older, for dinner, we ate at Grandma's too...  There's two dishes Grandma would always make for either lunch or dinner -- 乞衣缽豆豉蒸排骨 and 梅菜duek豬肉  It's my Grandpa's favorite dishes.  and... There is also something I can never forget about these..
It happened when i was in Junior 1 (that's like gr 7 here).. It's a lunch at my Grandma's place.. Again, we had the 梅菜duek豬肉.  I was tired of eating it... and I sort of yelled at my Grandma (my attitude was just bad)..saying something like, "搞錯啊又系伊D送!" .. then, it's just nothing I expected ... that my Grandpa hit the table really hard with his hand and yelled at me, "唔中意吃就唔好吃啦!" ..  I was upset..  I was scared ...That was the first time and the only time in my memory where my Grandpa had yelled at me like that..   My tears just flowed out of my eyes... and I just left the table and ran away ..

yea... I always thought that, in the family, Grandpa was the one who loved me the most.  When I was younger.. (before gr 3?), he walked me to school every day.  He would hold my hand and walked me to school.  With him walking by my side..  whenever I looked up there's always the familiar and 慈祥的脸.. A face that would always smile at me.. I felt safe. ... Once, Grandpa took me to a (at that time) high-end restaurant to taste my first 公司三文治. It's the first time I saw and got to eat a real 公司三文治 (not just one I saw and could not even touch.. on the TV...) He knew that I wouldn't be able to finish all the pieces.  He didn't have any .. he just watched me.. eating them.. and packed the rest away for me to eat later..

Grandpa loved me so much...I really felt the love from him... and .. I love him so much too..   ...Not long after the "lunch yelling" incident, he was sent to the hospital for the liver disease he carried for years got worse an severe and it finally became the cancer.. ...  He passed away with the terminal liver cancer, in Feb 1998.  Just a few days before he passed away.. I paid Grandpa a visit in the hospital.. That's the first time and also the last time.. (the only time) I visited him in the hospital .. He's so sick.. He looked so sick.. his face was so pale...I was scared.. I was scared to see my Grandpa that way... he's so bony.. he was lying on the bed.. and on his pillow there's blood stain.. .. Once he saw me there.. he yelled at me (seemed to be) using all of his strength, "走啊! 翻屋企!".   I didn't get it ... or I did?? ... His disease is highly contagious...

That's the first time in my life.. .. I had someone who loved me so much and I love so much .. . left me..
Maybe even after so many years... I am still not over this... I owe my Grandpa an apology??.. I owe my Grandma an apology??....

Grandma is so old now.. every time I called her.. she told me not to worry about her...
She knows she probably doesn't have many time left... she starts to forget about everything.. she only remembers to tell me... "阿珊,唔洗擔心麻麻啦...".  and every time she says that.. I don't know what to say.. she's the one who brought me up..  when I was a little kid.. she chased me around to feed me...  I used to be very weak and got sick often... and when I sick... she bused with me to the hospital...   ... she cooked for me.. she bought me, "To foo fa", my fave childhood dessert.. ...  Now, she can't walk any more...I am not there. She doesn't remember things anymore...  she remembers me.. and telling me.. not to worry about her...

What I owe them is so much love. Who am I to deserve their love? .. I am such a selfish person ... I didn't know how to love them.. and I still don't ...
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