I am ok.

last night... I could barely sleep. during the time I was asleep, I dreamed a dream. a weird dream.

In the dream, I was in the midst of escaping from something... something I wasn't sure of but I felt that it's something I so feared of. I wasn't alone. There's someone who I don't know(never met in real life) escaping with me.. with this person, I felt safe.

We ran and hid from place to place.. things were ok. until ... something weird happened to me. All of my fingers started to swell up and I could literally feel the heat from my fingers.... I also started to feel the pain from the slowly puffed up fingers. I was so scared. cuz I had the feeling that if my fingers kept swelling up like that.. I would lose them all at some point. and how could I lose all my fingers? What would it be like w/o all my fingers? It's just unimaginable. Luckily, when I was in so much fear about what's gonna happened .. the person who's with me told me that cold stuff would help stop/reverse the swelling. Then, we looked for anything that could cool my fingers off.. It's just so happened that to the places we went, we found something helpful... there's cold water I could put my hands/fingers in ...I raised my hands in front of it... we found some ice and I grabbed them tightly in my hands as they melt. ...

at the same time, .. we both knew that all that cold stuff could only help with the swelling-up. and we would probably run into nothing at some point where my fingers would just keep swelling up till they burst/exploded. We must find a cure. Who would possibly know the cure? A doctor. ... we arrived at a doctor's place.. I saw a fan.. and cuz my fingers were already swollen pretty badly.. I immediately raised my hands in front of the fan which was blowing winds.. the nurse saw me doing that.. and asked me if I was having "????"(a name for a disease.. i don't remember it now.. it's some weird name..nothing I have ever heard of in real life..). but surprisingly, I nodded "yes". (I am not sure how I knew that in the dream..) .. only to find that I would lose my life and not just my fingers if .. they blew up. ... so shouldn't the nurse just let me see the doctor right away instead of putting me on the wait list?? .. my dreamed ended there in fear...
It's indeed a weird dream.

Last night, when Alan's video was playing... I felt something heavy pounding my heart.. I started to have problem breathing... then, music began... the music and lyrics of that song hit me like insane... I felt like I would lose my breath at any minute.. and then we were led into a prayer.. the second the person said what she said... my tears just kept flowing out of my eyes uncontrollably...like a flood... I had the fear and the pain that I was about to... have to lose/give up/let go something/someone that's just so important to me... If that's what God tells me to.. I just really really don't wanna... and I really don't understand why... why things happen like that...
...

(... maybe it's me thinking too much about myself...everyone has something they hold on firmly to.. but I think I am just like a child. I just want to grasp the things I love and never let go, even .. that doesn't "belong" to me and will never ... that's not right... a child may not know what love really is.)
...

Sorry. I am very sorry.. to have make you worry so much about me last night. It's nothing I would have expected either. I think I was just like a child. yea.. when will I grow up? eh?

At this point, I can assure you. I am ok. At least, I am physically ok. so you will still see me alive. hah.. the other parts... We know God. His grace is sufficient. He will have a way for me.

I am ok. I will be ok. Sorry again to have scared you guys like that... and Thank you for all your care and love for me. I mean it.